LSAT 19 Days Away

In uplifting news...

I'm doing the LSAT on the 16th of June in preparation for Law School. It's the entrance exam that will cause one fits if not fully prepared. Ironically, I'm excited for it since this is the final step before school. Okay...that and a couple of folks need to send in their recommendation letters for me (clearing my throat since one of my readers is a letter writer).

Test is 3.5 hrs long and brutal. Perhaps a warm-up to the copious amounts of reading that I will do come August.

Bring it on.

Now I Shall Fly

Ramblings from a couple days worth of emailing "trusted sources"...

We are going to do a trial separation. Start date to be determined by both of us. Sooner rather than later. I'm guessing by the middle of June at the latest. He's going to rent a room, bills will be paid by both of us financially and I'll do the actual payments since I do them anyways.

The MFT shared with both of us in the appt yesterday and explained this is something that is used as a "time-out" when couples are too enmeshed. He gave us both a printout of what he read and we went over it at dinner.

I'm elated and feel like I can breath...he on the other hand wants a guarantee it'll save the marriage. My concern is his only wanting this for six weeks and then he moves back into the house. I'm wanting the three months then see where I am with things. Last night I heard him padding around the house pretty much at all hours...whether he slept or not isn't my concern yet I know that he's really seeing the rubber hit the road.

I explained to him that I'm done asking for what I need from him and I'm now just telling him what I'm doing. He's had three months of working with the parameters we've laid out together and will not follow them. This appt was a huge wake-up call to the brevity of this situation. He has no idea how we got here and that worries me.

He stated he believed I'd rather be single and I confirmed that "yes, I would if the marriage and behaviors do not change." I emphasized that it is when we hit a critical element and he will not back away - that is a problem. I step away to gain some distance and he pushes in and demands answers is not healthy.

Case in point...He's using prayer to manipulate the situation by praying out loud at random times. I don't agree with it because he's never done this before and I see it as manipulative/controlling. My solution was to get up and leave the room, get ready, go study outside/away from home. He calls my Dad to talk but Mom explains he's not home and won't be until later, so he calls back 30 minutes later and leaves a message, then he comes by (which I see as him keeping tabs on me) under the guise of looking for my Dad. But we aren't done here...proceeds to follow me outside to the patio and demands to talk and get answers to "why I don't want a spiritual covering over our marriage" and "I'm praying whether you like it or not."

I can't exist like this. No one can.

This is why I believe that a trial separation is our last resort. He said we should look for different therapy and I said no, explaining that we've pretty much exhausted our options at this stage.

Will this be hard work for me as well. Absolutely. There are a good amount of things I need to work on as well and this will let me do this under a safe umbrella.

So the MFT clearly stated to both of us that this is like being in the ER and the Doc has said "I've done all I can do, its out of my hands, now we wait and see." To hear the MFT say this after only three sessions is pretty intense. He's not someone who makes bold proclamations...much like when it was said "Don't jump ship...Yet" and "it's decision making time." The MFT is cut-to-the-chase-take-no

-prisoners and will hold any of his clients accountable to their choices and actions.

It's a sobering place, not for the faint of heart. However, a necessary place at this stage for both of us.


Fast forward to today after yesterday morning's drama and we have the fact this is pretty much a done deal and he's crossed the line into abuse. Calling someone at 5:45 am to make sure they get to the house ASAP so a situation does not escalate is not a good sign that all parties will go quietly into that good night.

Many tears later, much support, and huge amounts of prayers said by parties unknown to me until I reach Heaven bring vast amounts of sweet, quiet, deep peace. It's the coolest thing today to feel this peace. More or less I feel like its a FINALLY! moment. Been waiting and seeking this time.

Does it change the fact that there is a grieving process? Not at all. It's a death of a marriage.

Those that demand Biblical Justification and spout that divorce is never right can just blow me right now. My situation is my situation, not yours. So...step off. This chick gives no quarter.

One month to go and he's out. The move is scheduled for July 1 to get both our finances geared up and ready to roll. Trusted counsel has me gathering and making plans for myself. Should I need to exit stage north, I can. I've researched and found places for myself, narrowed down what I own, and will be ready at a moment's notice should it come to that. My valuables are stored in a safe place, etc.

I am at peace.