So we get up this morning and I had slept well since I got left alone...LOL. All is well until the HV decides he wants to bring something up but is hesistant. I told him to go ahead...
First and only mistake.
He grabs his bible and quotes 1 Corinthians 7. Finishes reading and announces that if he gets "it" every three days he'll leave me alone.
WTF?!
So I follow the therapist's protocol and refuse to engage in this twisted dance by stepping back. I then write down the event, my feelings, and my reaction. I didn't say a word other than "we'll discuss this in 24 hrs." We can't discuss it until therapy since we've written it down on the card. The therapist, Roger, set it up that way so we don't engage in the twisted dance we've done for years. Tomorrow morning I'm telling him that we can't discuss until we meet Roger. I was too angry to even say that.
Yay for me other than I'm completely pissed and angry at his decision to quote scripture so he can get some action. F*** him.
Yanno, I can tolerate a great deal of stuff until a person throws scripture in my face for their own benefit.
I can't even begin to describe how angry I am right now at this.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
What Frustration Looks Like To Me
Imagine...I spent yesterday studying and listing out boundaries (agreed upon by both parties) with the HV only to have him completely and totally obliterate them today.
Can I scream now?
I cannot leave a room in my house without being followed into the next one.
I get up at 4:45 am because the HV cannot and will not let me sleep in peace. He wants to snuggle...after me explaining for the infinite time that I do not want snuggled or touched while I sleep since it wakes me. So I get up and crawl into the couch...here comes the HV..."I'll leave you alone, just come back to bed."
H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks-NO.
"I'm sorry" is followed by "I won't do it again."
And so more energy is sucked out of me into the latest round of the HV Analytical Study of The Relationship.
Is that it? Hahahahahahaha.
I'm chilling with the IPod and loading CD's in our study and I hear the familiar shuffle of feet behind me followed by "can I have your undivided attention?"
Oi.
Sure...HV launches into why the Muffin Shop needs to be open, he needs me to talk to him, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, since when did this marriage spiral down into "I need from you irregardless of what needs you have?" Oh yes, day one.
Yes, I'm angry...passionately so. Abso-fricking-lutely passionately angry at the HV showing no regard for my space, feelings, or boundaries. At this point I'm getting shoved further and further from any desire to stick around him and this mess. His words and actions are poles apart from each other. I cannot trust them.
It's 5:20 in the evening on the West Coast and I'm flat out exhausted and would consider going to bed if it meant I wouldn't be wide awake at 1 am in the morning refreshed and ready to go.
Good luck hanging in there with reading this blog...its really a way for me to get this crap out of my brain so it won't affect my studying, my work, and offline life. Those who know the identity behind the blog understand this road I'm on at the time. Besides, who wants to hear whining all day in person...at least you can stop reading and click on another link.
I'm away from my house for the night at relatives...essentially tag-team-house-sitting. Not a bad gig at all. Kinda jacks with the normal routine though...LOL.
Manana is work...yay! Right now its a lot less stress than at home when I'm guarded against the next "can we talk about us?" conversation and the inevitable being followed like a bad cold.
Tonight I sleep in peace...the most that will happen is a cat will sleep on my pillow. Good action in my book these days.
Can I scream now?
I cannot leave a room in my house without being followed into the next one.
I get up at 4:45 am because the HV cannot and will not let me sleep in peace. He wants to snuggle...after me explaining for the infinite time that I do not want snuggled or touched while I sleep since it wakes me. So I get up and crawl into the couch...here comes the HV..."I'll leave you alone, just come back to bed."
H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks-NO.
"I'm sorry" is followed by "I won't do it again."
And so more energy is sucked out of me into the latest round of the HV Analytical Study of The Relationship.
Is that it? Hahahahahahaha.
I'm chilling with the IPod and loading CD's in our study and I hear the familiar shuffle of feet behind me followed by "can I have your undivided attention?"
Oi.
Sure...HV launches into why the Muffin Shop needs to be open, he needs me to talk to him, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, since when did this marriage spiral down into "I need from you irregardless of what needs you have?" Oh yes, day one.
Yes, I'm angry...passionately so. Abso-fricking-lutely passionately angry at the HV showing no regard for my space, feelings, or boundaries. At this point I'm getting shoved further and further from any desire to stick around him and this mess. His words and actions are poles apart from each other. I cannot trust them.
It's 5:20 in the evening on the West Coast and I'm flat out exhausted and would consider going to bed if it meant I wouldn't be wide awake at 1 am in the morning refreshed and ready to go.
Good luck hanging in there with reading this blog...its really a way for me to get this crap out of my brain so it won't affect my studying, my work, and offline life. Those who know the identity behind the blog understand this road I'm on at the time. Besides, who wants to hear whining all day in person...at least you can stop reading and click on another link.
I'm away from my house for the night at relatives...essentially tag-team-house-sitting. Not a bad gig at all. Kinda jacks with the normal routine though...LOL.
Manana is work...yay! Right now its a lot less stress than at home when I'm guarded against the next "can we talk about us?" conversation and the inevitable being followed like a bad cold.
Tonight I sleep in peace...the most that will happen is a cat will sleep on my pillow. Good action in my book these days.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
No Reins
Since I've last visited my blog so much has passed through my life. Got a new job, lost some weight, self-confidence shot through the roof, rediscovering who the real me truly is inside, and taking on a HUGE new venture. I truly don't know where to start since there is so very much to tell and blurt out into cyberspace undercover. Truly believe that the guidance of BFF's and budding friendships are helping me run like a wild mustang in the wide open prairie of life.
The downside to this is that its not been all positive for all parties...namely my other half. The resistance to my growth and confidence is fierce as a wildfire and just as angry. Everything I do is questioned, scrutinized, and analyzed to ensure their security at the expense of my own. It is not enough that I spend some time with them but must spend every waking moment reassuring and convincing them that all is okay.
I found the end of my rope two weeks ago.
Such a wild mix of emotions have taken over my brain. One minute I'm higher than a kite and laughing until I snort and the next in tears. Factored into the equation is that we've known each other for nearly a decade and the other party has readily admitted "I do not understand you or have the slightest idea of what you do and do not like." WTF? The Human Vacuum (aka "HV" from henceforth) does not have the slightest idea of the combination to my lock...if you catch my drift.
So facing the very real possibility of life without a HV and in the words of Rascal Flatts, "No Reins" seems like a far trade. Is this a terrifying journey? Absolutely. Is it a necessary one to be healthy in a relationship? Yup. Am I regretting anything? No. I've asked myself that every night of every day that I breathe.
I've told BAM! that he's got me dialed and a bead drawn to such a degree that only a small handful of individuals have been able to do. Seriously. Four people in my life to date and he's one of them. It's a huge thing for me to be understood to such a degree since I've got the artistic temperment. Nothing about me is easy to get, easy to manage, or easy to tap into. I won't even mention how hard it is to absolutely trust another individual...I trust him implicitly. He's drawn a bead between my eyes and for that I'm absolutely greatful.
What makes this incredibly painful is I'm not satisfied to stay where I am with the HV even though it will mean painful times ahead for myself. I'm told that what I'm doing takes serious cajones to scramble out to the edge of the branch and start sawing. I'd sooner be alone that live with the HV. The scary part is I'm willing to roll the dice. Yeah, I think I've pretty much made up my mind and I'm truly not in this emotionally after the last few months with the HV. He's killed my security, he's killed my trust in his words and actions, and living around a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality blows.
Couple that with the demands of snuggling, etc., long analytical conversations "about us" all the damn time, and the constant whining of "what about me?" and I'm shot to hell with it. I have no downtime, no chance to regroup, no time, no space, and definitely no energy.
Sure the HV wants counseling but is so far only willing to tell the counselor what he wants them to hear. When he doesn't get the answer he wants, he keeps pressing everyone in creation and will not stop until he gets the answer he wants.
I can handle a healthy "what the hell have I done with the last twenty years" mid-life crisis. Those are NORMAL. What I cannot handle is the constant demands on me to be a mommy and not a wife, the one who carries the emotional end of life for TWO people, and the individual who is blamed for insecurities.
So in a nutshell, that's what has happened since I last wrote...and I won't stop until the saga is finished. This blog is cathartic to me and if its the only to vent...I will do it this way.
Over and out.
No guarantees...and I'm okay with that. Life is much bigger than being afraid to step out and experience the absolute bleeding edge. I've lived too long being afraid of the "what if" and the "If/Then" speculative world.
The downside to this is that its not been all positive for all parties...namely my other half. The resistance to my growth and confidence is fierce as a wildfire and just as angry. Everything I do is questioned, scrutinized, and analyzed to ensure their security at the expense of my own. It is not enough that I spend some time with them but must spend every waking moment reassuring and convincing them that all is okay.
I found the end of my rope two weeks ago.
Such a wild mix of emotions have taken over my brain. One minute I'm higher than a kite and laughing until I snort and the next in tears. Factored into the equation is that we've known each other for nearly a decade and the other party has readily admitted "I do not understand you or have the slightest idea of what you do and do not like." WTF? The Human Vacuum (aka "HV" from henceforth) does not have the slightest idea of the combination to my lock...if you catch my drift.
So facing the very real possibility of life without a HV and in the words of Rascal Flatts, "No Reins" seems like a far trade. Is this a terrifying journey? Absolutely. Is it a necessary one to be healthy in a relationship? Yup. Am I regretting anything? No. I've asked myself that every night of every day that I breathe.
I've told BAM! that he's got me dialed and a bead drawn to such a degree that only a small handful of individuals have been able to do. Seriously. Four people in my life to date and he's one of them. It's a huge thing for me to be understood to such a degree since I've got the artistic temperment. Nothing about me is easy to get, easy to manage, or easy to tap into. I won't even mention how hard it is to absolutely trust another individual...I trust him implicitly. He's drawn a bead between my eyes and for that I'm absolutely greatful.
What makes this incredibly painful is I'm not satisfied to stay where I am with the HV even though it will mean painful times ahead for myself. I'm told that what I'm doing takes serious cajones to scramble out to the edge of the branch and start sawing. I'd sooner be alone that live with the HV. The scary part is I'm willing to roll the dice. Yeah, I think I've pretty much made up my mind and I'm truly not in this emotionally after the last few months with the HV. He's killed my security, he's killed my trust in his words and actions, and living around a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality blows.
Couple that with the demands of snuggling, etc., long analytical conversations "about us" all the damn time, and the constant whining of "what about me?" and I'm shot to hell with it. I have no downtime, no chance to regroup, no time, no space, and definitely no energy.
Sure the HV wants counseling but is so far only willing to tell the counselor what he wants them to hear. When he doesn't get the answer he wants, he keeps pressing everyone in creation and will not stop until he gets the answer he wants.
I can handle a healthy "what the hell have I done with the last twenty years" mid-life crisis. Those are NORMAL. What I cannot handle is the constant demands on me to be a mommy and not a wife, the one who carries the emotional end of life for TWO people, and the individual who is blamed for insecurities.
So in a nutshell, that's what has happened since I last wrote...and I won't stop until the saga is finished. This blog is cathartic to me and if its the only to vent...I will do it this way.
Over and out.
No guarantees...and I'm okay with that. Life is much bigger than being afraid to step out and experience the absolute bleeding edge. I've lived too long being afraid of the "what if" and the "If/Then" speculative world.
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