No Reins

Since I've last visited my blog so much has passed through my life. Got a new job, lost some weight, self-confidence shot through the roof, rediscovering who the real me truly is inside, and taking on a HUGE new venture. I truly don't know where to start since there is so very much to tell and blurt out into cyberspace undercover. Truly believe that the guidance of BFF's and budding friendships are helping me run like a wild mustang in the wide open prairie of life.

The downside to this is that its not been all positive for all parties...namely my other half. The resistance to my growth and confidence is fierce as a wildfire and just as angry. Everything I do is questioned, scrutinized, and analyzed to ensure their security at the expense of my own. It is not enough that I spend some time with them but must spend every waking moment reassuring and convincing them that all is okay.

I found the end of my rope two weeks ago.

Such a wild mix of emotions have taken over my brain. One minute I'm higher than a kite and laughing until I snort and the next in tears. Factored into the equation is that we've known each other for nearly a decade and the other party has readily admitted "I do not understand you or have the slightest idea of what you do and do not like." WTF? The Human Vacuum (aka "HV" from henceforth) does not have the slightest idea of the combination to my lock...if you catch my drift.

So facing the very real possibility of life without a HV and in the words of Rascal Flatts, "No Reins" seems like a far trade. Is this a terrifying journey? Absolutely. Is it a necessary one to be healthy in a relationship? Yup. Am I regretting anything? No. I've asked myself that every night of every day that I breathe.

I've told BAM! that he's got me dialed and a bead drawn to such a degree that only a small handful of individuals have been able to do. Seriously. Four people in my life to date and he's one of them. It's a huge thing for me to be understood to such a degree since I've got the artistic temperment. Nothing about me is easy to get, easy to manage, or easy to tap into. I won't even mention how hard it is to absolutely trust another individual...I trust him implicitly. He's drawn a bead between my eyes and for that I'm absolutely greatful.

What makes this incredibly painful is I'm not satisfied to stay where I am with the HV even though it will mean painful times ahead for myself. I'm told that what I'm doing takes serious cajones to scramble out to the edge of the branch and start sawing. I'd sooner be alone that live with the HV. The scary part is I'm willing to roll the dice. Yeah, I think I've pretty much made up my mind and I'm truly not in this emotionally after the last few months with the HV. He's killed my security, he's killed my trust in his words and actions, and living around a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality blows.

Couple that with the demands of snuggling, etc., long analytical conversations "about us" all the damn time, and the constant whining of "what about me?" and I'm shot to hell with it. I have no downtime, no chance to regroup, no time, no space, and definitely no energy.

Sure the HV wants counseling but is so far only willing to tell the counselor what he wants them to hear. When he doesn't get the answer he wants, he keeps pressing everyone in creation and will not stop until he gets the answer he wants.

I can handle a healthy "what the hell have I done with the last twenty years" mid-life crisis. Those are NORMAL. What I cannot handle is the constant demands on me to be a mommy and not a wife, the one who carries the emotional end of life for TWO people, and the individual who is blamed for insecurities.

So in a nutshell, that's what has happened since I last wrote...and I won't stop until the saga is finished. This blog is cathartic to me and if its the only to vent...I will do it this way.

Over and out.

No guarantees...and I'm okay with that. Life is much bigger than being afraid to step out and experience the absolute bleeding edge. I've lived too long being afraid of the "what if" and the "If/Then" speculative world.