Quiet, Thought Filled Day

Let me just say I don't like days that my head is pondering stuff at 100 mph. Leaves me exhausted, questioning my decisions, and looking for ways to entertain myself.

Dangerous territory for me.

This sucks some days. Namely today.

Sunrise

Most spectacular sunrise ever coming into work today since I got to see a Duster fly east to west right over the freeway at the same time the first glimpses of the sun came over the Sierras. Truly a cool moment in time. Makes the OH!-Dark-Thirty-Out-The-Door wake up absolutely worthwhile. Throw a little country music blaring on the stereo while sipping that first cuppa joe and life is good.

Only thing that would have made it better is having the top down and wind flying through my hair. Alas, too cold so I "settled" for having the top up.

It was a little bi-plane and yellow…watched it fly west until I couldn’t see it anymore.

Yes, I waved and thought of my peep up there flying.

Aah, good times.

Red Rover

NEVER have coffee in your mouth when reading something like this:

If you've never played red rover, please let me enlighten you. In red rover, kids form two lines facing each other. They hold hands and then yell, "red rover, red rover send Matt right over." Matt then runs as fast as he can into the arms of the other kids. If the force of his body causes two people to release their hands, he wins. If instead he gets close lined and falls down, he gets to go to the hospital and have 7 stitches in his head.

It was all I could do not to spit out said coffee on my monitor. Thanks to Jon Acuff at Stuff Christians Like for that gem.

I love funny. Funny, sarcastic wit that less-intelligent types miss.

Dark and twisted is how I roll.

Excel Hell

So I exist today in a special circle (Ninth, to be exact...or in Excel terms "9.232879409") of Hell reserved for souls that must do reports in Excel. At this point in time I'm yearning for a dental visit and more specifically a root canal. Anything is better than a HUGE report in Excel. It is the bane of my existence. I have always hate spreadsheets and mathematics. So when either subject enters my radar I'd like to sit and hum "lalalalalalalalalala" until it goes away.

Factor in an impending review from the boss and I'm just a bundle of nervous energy normally reserved for meth addicts strung out on RockStar. Have I mentioned that I've been at work since 6 a.m. due to a massive construction project on my commute path and have a different schedule than normal?

Let's Review...

• Cranky due to spreadsheet report.
• Nervous of impending review.
• Tired as hell from getting up at OH!-Dark-Thirty

This is a perfect storm, yeah?

Throw in a couple peeps/relatives done with surgery or about to go through surgery and keeping a bead on their respective well-being makes for an interesting week. Luckily one of my peeps came through with flying colors and is hobbling along rather well. Just need to remind said peep that keeping themselves planted firmly on the couch with the cordLESS phone is easier than standing up/feeling weird next to the base of the cordLESS phone is much more conducive to their recovery. Goofy peep 'o mine.

My Pop is doing shoulder surgery next week. That's rattling around in my head. He's a trooper in surgery and all that yet its tough to see him go under the knife. Pop is invincible in my mind. The dude is immortal...shouldn't have to have surgery. The upside is he will be doing incredible following surgery. Must remember to get him a Dr. Pepper and a Butterfinger for good luck.

That's always been our thing...Dr. Pepper's and Butterfinger's anytime we'd go anywhere. Dates back to going to the store with Pop and our treat was those two items. Kinda became a ritual with us.

I digress.

At least its quiet everywhere else in my world.

Red Shoe Ramblings

I broke down and bought me a pair of "Take No Prisoner" shoes. These bad-ass shoes rock. I'm wearing them now. Red pumps that have an attitude. Black trousers, swing jacket, and kick-ass red pumps.

Sweet.

Had a real cool coffee run with a colleague. Love the intellectual banter of my new world of which I've embarked. We ran the gamut of our lives and discovered some cross-over interests. I missed this over the last decade of my life.

Not so scary once one leaves the train station. Actually quite a beautiful journey out this way. Leaving the train station is the scary part...saying goodbye to my familiar life was tough and frightening but now that I'm out this way...cool scenery.

It's hard to jam my brain into a small blog entry. So much has gone down since I last wrote. I stand taller amidst the encouragement of friends. My walk is much more confident and I am laughing more often.

Days like this encourage me to fly higher and soar faster. They make the darker days smoother.

LSAT 19 Days Away

In uplifting news...

I'm doing the LSAT on the 16th of June in preparation for Law School. It's the entrance exam that will cause one fits if not fully prepared. Ironically, I'm excited for it since this is the final step before school. Okay...that and a couple of folks need to send in their recommendation letters for me (clearing my throat since one of my readers is a letter writer).

Test is 3.5 hrs long and brutal. Perhaps a warm-up to the copious amounts of reading that I will do come August.

Bring it on.

Now I Shall Fly

Ramblings from a couple days worth of emailing "trusted sources"...

We are going to do a trial separation. Start date to be determined by both of us. Sooner rather than later. I'm guessing by the middle of June at the latest. He's going to rent a room, bills will be paid by both of us financially and I'll do the actual payments since I do them anyways.

The MFT shared with both of us in the appt yesterday and explained this is something that is used as a "time-out" when couples are too enmeshed. He gave us both a printout of what he read and we went over it at dinner.

I'm elated and feel like I can breath...he on the other hand wants a guarantee it'll save the marriage. My concern is his only wanting this for six weeks and then he moves back into the house. I'm wanting the three months then see where I am with things. Last night I heard him padding around the house pretty much at all hours...whether he slept or not isn't my concern yet I know that he's really seeing the rubber hit the road.

I explained to him that I'm done asking for what I need from him and I'm now just telling him what I'm doing. He's had three months of working with the parameters we've laid out together and will not follow them. This appt was a huge wake-up call to the brevity of this situation. He has no idea how we got here and that worries me.

He stated he believed I'd rather be single and I confirmed that "yes, I would if the marriage and behaviors do not change." I emphasized that it is when we hit a critical element and he will not back away - that is a problem. I step away to gain some distance and he pushes in and demands answers is not healthy.

Case in point...He's using prayer to manipulate the situation by praying out loud at random times. I don't agree with it because he's never done this before and I see it as manipulative/controlling. My solution was to get up and leave the room, get ready, go study outside/away from home. He calls my Dad to talk but Mom explains he's not home and won't be until later, so he calls back 30 minutes later and leaves a message, then he comes by (which I see as him keeping tabs on me) under the guise of looking for my Dad. But we aren't done here...proceeds to follow me outside to the patio and demands to talk and get answers to "why I don't want a spiritual covering over our marriage" and "I'm praying whether you like it or not."

I can't exist like this. No one can.

This is why I believe that a trial separation is our last resort. He said we should look for different therapy and I said no, explaining that we've pretty much exhausted our options at this stage.

Will this be hard work for me as well. Absolutely. There are a good amount of things I need to work on as well and this will let me do this under a safe umbrella.

So the MFT clearly stated to both of us that this is like being in the ER and the Doc has said "I've done all I can do, its out of my hands, now we wait and see." To hear the MFT say this after only three sessions is pretty intense. He's not someone who makes bold proclamations...much like when it was said "Don't jump ship...Yet" and "it's decision making time." The MFT is cut-to-the-chase-take-no

-prisoners and will hold any of his clients accountable to their choices and actions.

It's a sobering place, not for the faint of heart. However, a necessary place at this stage for both of us.


Fast forward to today after yesterday morning's drama and we have the fact this is pretty much a done deal and he's crossed the line into abuse. Calling someone at 5:45 am to make sure they get to the house ASAP so a situation does not escalate is not a good sign that all parties will go quietly into that good night.

Many tears later, much support, and huge amounts of prayers said by parties unknown to me until I reach Heaven bring vast amounts of sweet, quiet, deep peace. It's the coolest thing today to feel this peace. More or less I feel like its a FINALLY! moment. Been waiting and seeking this time.

Does it change the fact that there is a grieving process? Not at all. It's a death of a marriage.

Those that demand Biblical Justification and spout that divorce is never right can just blow me right now. My situation is my situation, not yours. So...step off. This chick gives no quarter.

One month to go and he's out. The move is scheduled for July 1 to get both our finances geared up and ready to roll. Trusted counsel has me gathering and making plans for myself. Should I need to exit stage north, I can. I've researched and found places for myself, narrowed down what I own, and will be ready at a moment's notice should it come to that. My valuables are stored in a safe place, etc.

I am at peace.