Rest

So I'm sitting inside Togo's with a tummy full of a #30 with avocado. Rested and healing.

My other half is turning in the hard copy of my paperwork to the office come Monday morning. Sent the paperwork last night via fax and don't want the proverbial "we didn't get the fax" excuse. Instructions are to just give minimal info and when pressed explain he doesn't know since its between her and the Doc.

Burned, yes.

I think its a spiritual battle. The harder I've worked at my inside life the worse work got for me. Eh, whatever. Just means things got too close for comfort for some folks. I'm good with it. Not surprised at all just amazed at having a quiet, steadfast heart can really upset folks. Sad, really.

Over the last two months we've lost folks to death, moved, got new jobs, and watched people act in weird ways. Yup, stronger but exhausted...LOL.

Managed to read a great book by Donald Miller...Blue Like Jazz. Highly recommend it. Will really change how you think. That's all I'll say...just read it.

Done

Well, the ship sunk.

Chaotic workplace with control-freak micromanagers who put a hysterical, hyper, power hungry co-worker in charge who likes to flap her mouth. It was a doomed journey folks.

An office of nine and management has dwindled to four bodies and management. Mind you, this is during our peak season and should be running at optimum levels.

Not this year.

Seems the micromanaging is out of hand and folks are jumping ship faster than rats...yours truly included. In my tenure at said workplace, 5+ individuals have left since last January. Call it what you will but I believe it boils down to bad management and a knack for treating subordinates like preschoolers.

Got a promotion and a change of scenery for myself in the last month.

Decided that having micromanagers and hysterical power tripping supervisors is not my style. Took a few days off for stress and upon having a few key buttons pushed by the hysterical supervisor who needed a Doc note for the few days realized that having a bank of time put back for a rainy day has just now come in handy. I won't have to return to THAT ship. Glad I've got the time to use for just such an occasion!

I had two choices...the pharmacological route that wouldn't fully take effect for a solid week (pointless, since I leave around that time from the current place) or request of the Doc that I need the time off from the office bullying and workplace violence. He consented that option b was the best choice for me.

Came home and crashed for two solid hours of sleep. I am mentally spent from this. Still teary and all that but it will subside once my body rests and I regain some sense of security.

Dealt with this before in the workplace and it left me pretty burned and I wasn't about to tolerate it again so I nipped it in the bud. They got their doctors note, I got my "get-out-of-jail-free" card.

I'm hanging with my Gramm while Los Parentes are out for a bite. Decided for the 'ol mental pick-me-up and threw on my Dad's fleece and socks from Mom. Little bit of pampering via Mom & Dad never hurt this soul.

Have I mentioned I'm bitter and exhausted at this point? You've probably gathered that all on your own, eh?

However, the silver lining is that I start fresh soon. New workplace, new experiences. AND...design is part of this place. Already on a project as I type. That's always so good for me, the creativity and ability to stretch my wings.

So between some designing this weekend and a stretch of time to refocus I should be a very happy camper who can put all of this behind me.

To each of you reading this...thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me bitch, moan, and get this off my chest.

Licking Boots I Will Not

So, the licking of boots is in full swing in my office. We have a regime change and the amount of boot-licking is impressive.

No can do.

Man, that's akin to walking across broken glass and completely against my nature. This regime is all about boot-licking. Oi vey...am I in trouble here.

Bob Baer set a fine example of not licking boots back in "See No Evil" and he's to be admired. I think its called not settling for mediocrity. I see nothing wrong with sitting down for a hard day's work and going home knowing that one gave it all they had in them. What I do have issues with is licking boots to make sure one is firmly entrenched in the status quo. I liked Baer's take no prisoners attitude and refusal to settle for less than his best. Maybe that's why I like his style and his writings.

Me, in my little civil service world, is embarking on new ventures and trying to move up the ladder the honest way. Pure hard work with tons of elbow grease. I learned that skill in college and refused to play the political game. Kissing ass is not my style...nor will it ever be my style.

So, I venture away from the familiar and embark upon the unknown. I like the unknown to be honest. It's a breath of fresh air for me and gives me a chance to sharpen my talents. This is a chance to swan dive into the game of life.

Yes, I sit frustrated at the fact others with less talent are getting jobs that I'm qualified for more so that they yet I'm not the one who will be happy with settling for what they salivate and grovel. I think long term and not short term as far as a career. It's worth the marathon.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

That and copious amounts of grape koolaid.

Simplify

Yes, we are simplifying Christmas this year. No over the top stuff for us. Caught a challenge yesterday to simplify and remember why we have Christmas. So I've decorated on a simple level and implemented our decorations into the house on a basic level. Basic meaning if you don't look hard, you won't notice them. My nativity went center stage on the mantel. Perhaps it will stay as my reminder to why I exist and serve a higher calling.

I'm pretty low key to begin with and this decorating confirms it.

We'll do a tree...a live one outside in the back. It's hypocritical to save trees and cut one down during the holidays. If folks want to see our Christmas tree...it's out back all decorated up nice.

Lights AND ornaments, too.

I want away from the Mass Commercialism of the holidays so I can return to the simple reason of why this holiday exists...Christ.

I'm not saying I'll rail anyone who celebrates with a credit card or start preaching on corners. Those who know me realize that's not me. I'm more about the "ya, its a pretty cool gig and you can join me if you want. If not, cool." I'm good with pretty much anybody.

That is all.

Holy Schmoly, I'm Alive

Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still exist.

Work is challenging and I'm being stretched to my limits faith wise in people. Be open but that's cost me since the individual I'm open with is critical and meanspirited.

Explain to me how to be open and NOT vulnerable?!

I've decided to look to promote in the Capital and leave the situation since the critical individual will now be my boss since they've kissed enough ass to get there. 

I'm done being open. I'm done being vulnerable. I'm done being sensitive.

Need to look out for my family and me. Co-workers be damned.

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Discoveries

Sunday was the day freedom in a strange form for me...

I'm sitting at a women's dinner enjoying the meal with my female relatives and friends when my older sister blurts out some news.

"A wrestling dad passed away this week and his name was *****. Died from cancer in his back or something else related to his back."

I stopped cold and looked at her. Asked her when he graduated high school, blahblahblah.

"19**."

Holy crap. I went to the prom with this guy my senior year.

"Now back up and tell me everything."

She tells me he's been doing this-and-that, two kids, one wrestles, etc.

See the backstory to this is that on my prom night was the turning point for me in my battle of weight. Things got out of hand and he touched me inappropriately. From that point on, I've fought my weight and have hid behind it since.

I was, and still am, built pretty damn good. Great proportions, tall...name it.

With one caveat...

...being thin made me UBER vulnerable to men.

(No this blog isn't about to turn into male bashing...outta luck, folks)

Even through turn of events in the last three years its still in the back of my mind that if I'm thin and desirable I will be violated. It's been 22 flipping years. You'd think I could work through this.

Perhaps...just, perhaps.

I've told two people this until just now. My husband and my folks.

Now you know my deepest secret that began my fight against my weight. Somewhere, somehow this death is unlocking a door to healing. I feel it in my bones.

It's a freeing, bizarre, event for me. Well, most of life for me is bizarre so maybe its the only way for me. LOL. Those who know me will agree with that last statement.

Dreamt deeply about being at the morgue and watching them prepare the body. Even down to the details, odd but details, of him being embalmed and having his brains sucked out through a hose. The body was laid out in a blue suit (maybe because he was a cop) and was buried (feel free to laugh at this) in a coffin shaped like a wooden gun.

(So I dream in detail...sue me.)

The weirdest part of this is that I feel as if a tie to my past is severed....forever. Like vamos...no mas. Over. Done. Fini.

Yeah, of course it's severed.

He's dead.

But memories live on and healing, blahblahblah psycho babble - innerchild, yaddayaddayadda. Kinda sucks running around with baggage, yanno? Coming to terms with such a painful event sucks and so does hitting it head on like a hurricane.

I burned the pictures.

Dress was disappeared at my request when I revealed this to my parents.

and...

now this.

Talk about closure.