So I take a dear peep 'o mine to the bus stop for the commute home. Best part of it is the 15 minutes we get to sit and visit. Those are good times. Then we say goodbye until Monday.
I hate Fridays for this reason...saying goodbye.
Fridays also mean two days with the HV. So another reason to hate Fridays.
It would explain why I cried leaving town.
The Biotech loves the moniker we've bestowed...also enjoyed being the fly on the wall during the email flurry. Not threatened by this...our friendships and howling laughter.
God, this is like a huge breath of fresh air newly cleaned by the rain.
I love life with no reins.
Gotta get me a cowboy hat when I'm there in Houston. The Biotech teased me and said to check in once in awhile when I'm there. Oh, no worries there...pictures will be a plenty throughout the week. Definitely incriminating ones at that. Dana will ensure that blackmail shots are taken of me. LMAO.
It's a strange life in which to spread my wings. I've got peeps who would lay down their life and have admitted it to me. I've got peeps who will laugh at me and make fun of me when I get drunk and I've got those same peeps who will drop everything to be at my side.
Strange in the sense I've jumped off the cliff and really like this flying gig. The view is exhilarating, scary, wonderful, and awe-inspiring.
Couldn't have done it without the biotechs and The Biotech. The latter is a rare breed I will not betray...ever. The Biotech has my word and my bond. The ringtone they've chosen on my phone for when they call sums it up pretty damn good and they know it...no surprise there.
Ciao
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
WHOOT!
Let me just say that....WHOOT!
On so many levels.
I shall carve a path in life. I will not look back, step down, nor fear the unknown.
This is an exhilarating ride called life.
On so many levels.
- I run into an Executive Assistant who has opened door upon door at work for me to connect w/the Legal Beagles. The LB's are people of their word. Which means I will do a T & D in 2 years time then transition into the permanent position upon passing the Bar. SNAP. That flipping rules.
- Saw some rocking images of a peep who has made a major transition in their health.
- Now know half the freaking Executive Staff of mostly LB backgrounds. SWEET. And they know me.
I shall carve a path in life. I will not look back, step down, nor fear the unknown.
This is an exhilarating ride called life.
Houston, We Have a Problem
Well, maybe not. I'm headed to visit my peeps down in Texas in 19 days.
Our collective prayer:
Four of us who are random, wild, and about to unleash the Apocalypse when we meet up July 1st.
Be afraid.
Our collective prayer:
"Sweet Baby Jesus, bless the chaos that these four sisters are about to unleash on Houston. Hide the children and bring out the wrangler wearing, cowboy boot stomping beefcakes. Amen"
Four of us who are random, wild, and about to unleash the Apocalypse when we meet up July 1st.
Be afraid.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Quiet, Thought Filled Day
Let me just say I don't like days that my head is pondering stuff at 100 mph. Leaves me exhausted, questioning my decisions, and looking for ways to entertain myself.
Dangerous territory for me.
This sucks some days. Namely today.
Dangerous territory for me.
This sucks some days. Namely today.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Sunrise
Most spectacular sunrise ever coming into work today since I got to see a Duster fly east to west right over the freeway at the same time the first glimpses of the sun came over the Sierras. Truly a cool moment in time. Makes the OH!-Dark-Thirty-Out-The-Door wake up absolutely worthwhile. Throw a little country music blaring on the stereo while sipping that first cuppa joe and life is good.
Only thing that would have made it better is having the top down and wind flying through my hair. Alas, too cold so I "settled" for having the top up.
Only thing that would have made it better is having the top down and wind flying through my hair. Alas, too cold so I "settled" for having the top up.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Red Rover
NEVER have coffee in your mouth when reading something like this:
It was all I could do not to spit out said coffee on my monitor. Thanks to Jon Acuff at Stuff Christians Like for that gem.
I love funny. Funny, sarcastic wit that less-intelligent types miss.
Dark and twisted is how I roll.
If you've never played red rover, please let me enlighten you. In red rover, kids form two lines facing each other. They hold hands and then yell, "red rover, red rover send Matt right over." Matt then runs as fast as he can into the arms of the other kids. If the force of his body causes two people to release their hands, he wins. If instead he gets close lined and falls down, he gets to go to the hospital and have 7 stitches in his head.
It was all I could do not to spit out said coffee on my monitor. Thanks to Jon Acuff at Stuff Christians Like for that gem.
I love funny. Funny, sarcastic wit that less-intelligent types miss.
Dark and twisted is how I roll.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Excel Hell
So I exist today in a special circle (Ninth, to be exact...or in Excel terms "9.232879409") of Hell reserved for souls that must do reports in Excel. At this point in time I'm yearning for a dental visit and more specifically a root canal. Anything is better than a HUGE report in Excel. It is the bane of my existence. I have always hate spreadsheets and mathematics. So when either subject enters my radar I'd like to sit and hum "lalalalalalalalalala" until it goes away.
Factor in an impending review from the boss and I'm just a bundle of nervous energy normally reserved for meth addicts strung out on RockStar. Have I mentioned that I've been at work since 6 a.m. due to a massive construction project on my commute path and have a different schedule than normal?
Let's Review...
This is a perfect storm, yeah?
Throw in a couple peeps/relatives done with surgery or about to go through surgery and keeping a bead on their respective well-being makes for an interesting week. Luckily one of my peeps came through with flying colors and is hobbling along rather well. Just need to remind said peep that keeping themselves planted firmly on the couch with the cordLESS phone is easier than standing up/feeling weird next to the base of the cordLESS phone is much more conducive to their recovery. Goofy peep 'o mine.
My Pop is doing shoulder surgery next week. That's rattling around in my head. He's a trooper in surgery and all that yet its tough to see him go under the knife. Pop is invincible in my mind. The dude is immortal...shouldn't have to have surgery. The upside is he will be doing incredible following surgery. Must remember to get him a Dr. Pepper and a Butterfinger for good luck.
That's always been our thing...Dr. Pepper's and Butterfinger's anytime we'd go anywhere. Dates back to going to the store with Pop and our treat was those two items. Kinda became a ritual with us.
I digress.
At least its quiet everywhere else in my world.
Factor in an impending review from the boss and I'm just a bundle of nervous energy normally reserved for meth addicts strung out on RockStar. Have I mentioned that I've been at work since 6 a.m. due to a massive construction project on my commute path and have a different schedule than normal?
Let's Review...
- Cranky due to spreadsheet report.
- Nervous of impending review.
- Tired as hell from getting up at OH!-Dark-Thirty
This is a perfect storm, yeah?
Throw in a couple peeps/relatives done with surgery or about to go through surgery and keeping a bead on their respective well-being makes for an interesting week. Luckily one of my peeps came through with flying colors and is hobbling along rather well. Just need to remind said peep that keeping themselves planted firmly on the couch with the cordLESS phone is easier than standing up/feeling weird next to the base of the cordLESS phone is much more conducive to their recovery. Goofy peep 'o mine.
My Pop is doing shoulder surgery next week. That's rattling around in my head. He's a trooper in surgery and all that yet its tough to see him go under the knife. Pop is invincible in my mind. The dude is immortal...shouldn't have to have surgery. The upside is he will be doing incredible following surgery. Must remember to get him a Dr. Pepper and a Butterfinger for good luck.
That's always been our thing...Dr. Pepper's and Butterfinger's anytime we'd go anywhere. Dates back to going to the store with Pop and our treat was those two items. Kinda became a ritual with us.
I digress.
At least its quiet everywhere else in my world.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Red Shoe Ramblings
I broke down and bought me a pair of "Take No Prisoner" shoes. These bad-ass shoes rock. I'm wearing them now. Red pumps that have an attitude. Black trousers, swing jacket, and kick-ass red pumps.
Sweet.
Had a real cool coffee run with a colleague. Love the intellectual banter of my new world of which I've embarked. We ran the gamut of our lives and discovered some cross-over interests. I missed this over the last decade of my life.
Not so scary once one leaves the train station. Actually quite a beautiful journey out this way. Leaving the train station is the scary part...saying goodbye to my familiar life was tough and frightening but now that I'm out this way...cool scenery.
It's hard to jam my brain into a small blog entry. So much has gone down since I last wrote. I stand taller amidst the encouragement of friends. My walk is much more confident and I am laughing more often.
Days like this encourage me to fly higher and soar faster. They make the darker days smoother.
Sweet.
Had a real cool coffee run with a colleague. Love the intellectual banter of my new world of which I've embarked. We ran the gamut of our lives and discovered some cross-over interests. I missed this over the last decade of my life.
Not so scary once one leaves the train station. Actually quite a beautiful journey out this way. Leaving the train station is the scary part...saying goodbye to my familiar life was tough and frightening but now that I'm out this way...cool scenery.
It's hard to jam my brain into a small blog entry. So much has gone down since I last wrote. I stand taller amidst the encouragement of friends. My walk is much more confident and I am laughing more often.
Days like this encourage me to fly higher and soar faster. They make the darker days smoother.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
LSAT 19 Days Away
In uplifting news...
I'm doing the LSAT on the 16th of June in preparation for Law School. It's the entrance exam that will cause one fits if not fully prepared. Ironically, I'm excited for it since this is the final step before school. Okay...that and a couple of folks need to send in their recommendation letters for me (clearing my throat since one of my readers is a letter writer).
Test is 3.5 hrs long and brutal. Perhaps a warm-up to the copious amounts of reading that I will do come August.
Bring it on.
I'm doing the LSAT on the 16th of June in preparation for Law School. It's the entrance exam that will cause one fits if not fully prepared. Ironically, I'm excited for it since this is the final step before school. Okay...that and a couple of folks need to send in their recommendation letters for me (clearing my throat since one of my readers is a letter writer).
Test is 3.5 hrs long and brutal. Perhaps a warm-up to the copious amounts of reading that I will do come August.
Bring it on.
Now I Shall Fly
Ramblings from a couple days worth of emailing "trusted sources"...
We are going to do a trial separation. Start date to be determined by both of us. Sooner rather than later. I'm guessing by the middle of June at the latest. He's going to rent a room, bills will be paid by both of us financially and I'll do the actual payments since I do them anyways.
The MFT shared with both of us in the appt yesterday and explained this is something that is used as a "time-out" when couples are too enmeshed. He gave us both a printout of what he read and we went over it at dinner.
I'm elated and feel like I can breath...he on the other hand wants a guarantee it'll save the marriage. My concern is his only wanting this for six weeks and then he moves back into the house. I'm wanting the three months then see where I am with things. Last night I heard him padding around the house pretty much at all hours...whether he slept or not isn't my concern yet I know that he's really seeing the rubber hit the road.
I explained to him that I'm done asking for what I need from him and I'm now just telling him what I'm doing. He's had three months of working with the parameters we've laid out together and will not follow them. This appt was a huge wake-up call to the brevity of this situation. He has no idea how we got here and that worries me.
He stated he believed I'd rather be single and I confirmed that "yes, I would if the marriage and behaviors do not change." I emphasized that it is when we hit a critical element and he will not back away - that is a problem. I step away to gain some distance and he pushes in and demands answers is not healthy.
Case in point...He's using prayer to manipulate the situation by praying out loud at random times. I don't agree with it because he's never done this before and I see it as manipulative/controlling. My solution was to get up and leave the room, get ready, go study outside/away from home. He calls my Dad to talk but Mom explains he's not home and won't be until later, so he calls back 30 minutes later and leaves a message, then he comes by (which I see as him keeping tabs on me) under the guise of looking for my Dad. But we aren't done here...proceeds to follow me outside to the patio and demands to talk and get answers to "why I don't want a spiritual covering over our marriage" and "I'm praying whether you like it or not."
I can't exist like this. No one can.
This is why I believe that a trial separation is our last resort. He said we should look for different therapy and I said no, explaining that we've pretty much exhausted our options at this stage.
Will this be hard work for me as well. Absolutely. There are a good amount of things I need to work on as well and this will let me do this under a safe umbrella.
So the MFT clearly stated to both of us that this is like being in the ER and the Doc has said "I've done all I can do, its out of my hands, now we wait and see." To hear the MFT say this after only three sessions is pretty intense. He's not someone who makes bold proclamations...much like when it was said "Don't jump ship...Yet" and "it's decision making time." The MFT is cut-to-the-chase-take-no-prisoners and will hold any of his clients accountable to their choices and actions.
It's a sobering place, not for the faint of heart. However, a necessary place at this stage for both of us.
Fast forward to today after yesterday morning's drama and we have the fact this is pretty much a done deal and he's crossed the line into abuse. Calling someone at 5:45 am to make sure they get to the house ASAP so a situation does not escalate is not a good sign that all parties will go quietly into that good night.
Many tears later, much support, and huge amounts of prayers said by parties unknown to me until I reach Heaven bring vast amounts of sweet, quiet, deep peace. It's the coolest thing today to feel this peace. More or less I feel like its a FINALLY! moment. Been waiting and seeking this time.
Does it change the fact that there is a grieving process? Not at all. It's a death of a marriage.
Those that demand Biblical Justification and spout that divorce is never right can just blow me right now. My situation is my situation, not yours. So...step off. This chick gives no quarter.
One month to go and he's out. The move is scheduled for July 1 to get both our finances geared up and ready to roll. Trusted counsel has me gathering and making plans for myself. Should I need to exit stage north, I can. I've researched and found places for myself, narrowed down what I own, and will be ready at a moment's notice should it come to that. My valuables are stored in a safe place, etc.
I am at peace.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Enraged
So we get up this morning and I had slept well since I got left alone...LOL. All is well until the HV decides he wants to bring something up but is hesistant. I told him to go ahead...
First and only mistake.
He grabs his bible and quotes 1 Corinthians 7. Finishes reading and announces that if he gets "it" every three days he'll leave me alone.
WTF?!
So I follow the therapist's protocol and refuse to engage in this twisted dance by stepping back. I then write down the event, my feelings, and my reaction. I didn't say a word other than "we'll discuss this in 24 hrs." We can't discuss it until therapy since we've written it down on the card. The therapist, Roger, set it up that way so we don't engage in the twisted dance we've done for years. Tomorrow morning I'm telling him that we can't discuss until we meet Roger. I was too angry to even say that.
Yay for me other than I'm completely pissed and angry at his decision to quote scripture so he can get some action. F*** him.
Yanno, I can tolerate a great deal of stuff until a person throws scripture in my face for their own benefit.
I can't even begin to describe how angry I am right now at this.
First and only mistake.
He grabs his bible and quotes 1 Corinthians 7. Finishes reading and announces that if he gets "it" every three days he'll leave me alone.
WTF?!
So I follow the therapist's protocol and refuse to engage in this twisted dance by stepping back. I then write down the event, my feelings, and my reaction. I didn't say a word other than "we'll discuss this in 24 hrs." We can't discuss it until therapy since we've written it down on the card. The therapist, Roger, set it up that way so we don't engage in the twisted dance we've done for years. Tomorrow morning I'm telling him that we can't discuss until we meet Roger. I was too angry to even say that.
Yay for me other than I'm completely pissed and angry at his decision to quote scripture so he can get some action. F*** him.
Yanno, I can tolerate a great deal of stuff until a person throws scripture in my face for their own benefit.
I can't even begin to describe how angry I am right now at this.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
What Frustration Looks Like To Me
Imagine...I spent yesterday studying and listing out boundaries (agreed upon by both parties) with the HV only to have him completely and totally obliterate them today.
Can I scream now?
I cannot leave a room in my house without being followed into the next one.
I get up at 4:45 am because the HV cannot and will not let me sleep in peace. He wants to snuggle...after me explaining for the infinite time that I do not want snuggled or touched while I sleep since it wakes me. So I get up and crawl into the couch...here comes the HV..."I'll leave you alone, just come back to bed."
H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks-NO.
"I'm sorry" is followed by "I won't do it again."
And so more energy is sucked out of me into the latest round of the HV Analytical Study of The Relationship.
Is that it? Hahahahahahaha.
I'm chilling with the IPod and loading CD's in our study and I hear the familiar shuffle of feet behind me followed by "can I have your undivided attention?"
Oi.
Sure...HV launches into why the Muffin Shop needs to be open, he needs me to talk to him, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, since when did this marriage spiral down into "I need from you irregardless of what needs you have?" Oh yes, day one.
Yes, I'm angry...passionately so. Abso-fricking-lutely passionately angry at the HV showing no regard for my space, feelings, or boundaries. At this point I'm getting shoved further and further from any desire to stick around him and this mess. His words and actions are poles apart from each other. I cannot trust them.
It's 5:20 in the evening on the West Coast and I'm flat out exhausted and would consider going to bed if it meant I wouldn't be wide awake at 1 am in the morning refreshed and ready to go.
Good luck hanging in there with reading this blog...its really a way for me to get this crap out of my brain so it won't affect my studying, my work, and offline life. Those who know the identity behind the blog understand this road I'm on at the time. Besides, who wants to hear whining all day in person...at least you can stop reading and click on another link.
I'm away from my house for the night at relatives...essentially tag-team-house-sitting. Not a bad gig at all. Kinda jacks with the normal routine though...LOL.
Manana is work...yay! Right now its a lot less stress than at home when I'm guarded against the next "can we talk about us?" conversation and the inevitable being followed like a bad cold.
Tonight I sleep in peace...the most that will happen is a cat will sleep on my pillow. Good action in my book these days.
Can I scream now?
I cannot leave a room in my house without being followed into the next one.
I get up at 4:45 am because the HV cannot and will not let me sleep in peace. He wants to snuggle...after me explaining for the infinite time that I do not want snuggled or touched while I sleep since it wakes me. So I get up and crawl into the couch...here comes the HV..."I'll leave you alone, just come back to bed."
H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks-NO.
"I'm sorry" is followed by "I won't do it again."
And so more energy is sucked out of me into the latest round of the HV Analytical Study of The Relationship.
Is that it? Hahahahahahaha.
I'm chilling with the IPod and loading CD's in our study and I hear the familiar shuffle of feet behind me followed by "can I have your undivided attention?"
Oi.
Sure...HV launches into why the Muffin Shop needs to be open, he needs me to talk to him, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, since when did this marriage spiral down into "I need from you irregardless of what needs you have?" Oh yes, day one.
Yes, I'm angry...passionately so. Abso-fricking-lutely passionately angry at the HV showing no regard for my space, feelings, or boundaries. At this point I'm getting shoved further and further from any desire to stick around him and this mess. His words and actions are poles apart from each other. I cannot trust them.
It's 5:20 in the evening on the West Coast and I'm flat out exhausted and would consider going to bed if it meant I wouldn't be wide awake at 1 am in the morning refreshed and ready to go.
Good luck hanging in there with reading this blog...its really a way for me to get this crap out of my brain so it won't affect my studying, my work, and offline life. Those who know the identity behind the blog understand this road I'm on at the time. Besides, who wants to hear whining all day in person...at least you can stop reading and click on another link.
I'm away from my house for the night at relatives...essentially tag-team-house-sitting. Not a bad gig at all. Kinda jacks with the normal routine though...LOL.
Manana is work...yay! Right now its a lot less stress than at home when I'm guarded against the next "can we talk about us?" conversation and the inevitable being followed like a bad cold.
Tonight I sleep in peace...the most that will happen is a cat will sleep on my pillow. Good action in my book these days.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
No Reins
Since I've last visited my blog so much has passed through my life. Got a new job, lost some weight, self-confidence shot through the roof, rediscovering who the real me truly is inside, and taking on a HUGE new venture. I truly don't know where to start since there is so very much to tell and blurt out into cyberspace undercover. Truly believe that the guidance of BFF's and budding friendships are helping me run like a wild mustang in the wide open prairie of life.
The downside to this is that its not been all positive for all parties...namely my other half. The resistance to my growth and confidence is fierce as a wildfire and just as angry. Everything I do is questioned, scrutinized, and analyzed to ensure their security at the expense of my own. It is not enough that I spend some time with them but must spend every waking moment reassuring and convincing them that all is okay.
I found the end of my rope two weeks ago.
Such a wild mix of emotions have taken over my brain. One minute I'm higher than a kite and laughing until I snort and the next in tears. Factored into the equation is that we've known each other for nearly a decade and the other party has readily admitted "I do not understand you or have the slightest idea of what you do and do not like." WTF? The Human Vacuum (aka "HV" from henceforth) does not have the slightest idea of the combination to my lock...if you catch my drift.
So facing the very real possibility of life without a HV and in the words of Rascal Flatts, "No Reins" seems like a far trade. Is this a terrifying journey? Absolutely. Is it a necessary one to be healthy in a relationship? Yup. Am I regretting anything? No. I've asked myself that every night of every day that I breathe.
I've told BAM! that he's got me dialed and a bead drawn to such a degree that only a small handful of individuals have been able to do. Seriously. Four people in my life to date and he's one of them. It's a huge thing for me to be understood to such a degree since I've got the artistic temperment. Nothing about me is easy to get, easy to manage, or easy to tap into. I won't even mention how hard it is to absolutely trust another individual...I trust him implicitly. He's drawn a bead between my eyes and for that I'm absolutely greatful.
What makes this incredibly painful is I'm not satisfied to stay where I am with the HV even though it will mean painful times ahead for myself. I'm told that what I'm doing takes serious cajones to scramble out to the edge of the branch and start sawing. I'd sooner be alone that live with the HV. The scary part is I'm willing to roll the dice. Yeah, I think I've pretty much made up my mind and I'm truly not in this emotionally after the last few months with the HV. He's killed my security, he's killed my trust in his words and actions, and living around a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality blows.
Couple that with the demands of snuggling, etc., long analytical conversations "about us" all the damn time, and the constant whining of "what about me?" and I'm shot to hell with it. I have no downtime, no chance to regroup, no time, no space, and definitely no energy.
Sure the HV wants counseling but is so far only willing to tell the counselor what he wants them to hear. When he doesn't get the answer he wants, he keeps pressing everyone in creation and will not stop until he gets the answer he wants.
I can handle a healthy "what the hell have I done with the last twenty years" mid-life crisis. Those are NORMAL. What I cannot handle is the constant demands on me to be a mommy and not a wife, the one who carries the emotional end of life for TWO people, and the individual who is blamed for insecurities.
So in a nutshell, that's what has happened since I last wrote...and I won't stop until the saga is finished. This blog is cathartic to me and if its the only to vent...I will do it this way.
Over and out.
No guarantees...and I'm okay with that. Life is much bigger than being afraid to step out and experience the absolute bleeding edge. I've lived too long being afraid of the "what if" and the "If/Then" speculative world.
The downside to this is that its not been all positive for all parties...namely my other half. The resistance to my growth and confidence is fierce as a wildfire and just as angry. Everything I do is questioned, scrutinized, and analyzed to ensure their security at the expense of my own. It is not enough that I spend some time with them but must spend every waking moment reassuring and convincing them that all is okay.
I found the end of my rope two weeks ago.
Such a wild mix of emotions have taken over my brain. One minute I'm higher than a kite and laughing until I snort and the next in tears. Factored into the equation is that we've known each other for nearly a decade and the other party has readily admitted "I do not understand you or have the slightest idea of what you do and do not like." WTF? The Human Vacuum (aka "HV" from henceforth) does not have the slightest idea of the combination to my lock...if you catch my drift.
So facing the very real possibility of life without a HV and in the words of Rascal Flatts, "No Reins" seems like a far trade. Is this a terrifying journey? Absolutely. Is it a necessary one to be healthy in a relationship? Yup. Am I regretting anything? No. I've asked myself that every night of every day that I breathe.
I've told BAM! that he's got me dialed and a bead drawn to such a degree that only a small handful of individuals have been able to do. Seriously. Four people in my life to date and he's one of them. It's a huge thing for me to be understood to such a degree since I've got the artistic temperment. Nothing about me is easy to get, easy to manage, or easy to tap into. I won't even mention how hard it is to absolutely trust another individual...I trust him implicitly. He's drawn a bead between my eyes and for that I'm absolutely greatful.
What makes this incredibly painful is I'm not satisfied to stay where I am with the HV even though it will mean painful times ahead for myself. I'm told that what I'm doing takes serious cajones to scramble out to the edge of the branch and start sawing. I'd sooner be alone that live with the HV. The scary part is I'm willing to roll the dice. Yeah, I think I've pretty much made up my mind and I'm truly not in this emotionally after the last few months with the HV. He's killed my security, he's killed my trust in his words and actions, and living around a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality blows.
Couple that with the demands of snuggling, etc., long analytical conversations "about us" all the damn time, and the constant whining of "what about me?" and I'm shot to hell with it. I have no downtime, no chance to regroup, no time, no space, and definitely no energy.
Sure the HV wants counseling but is so far only willing to tell the counselor what he wants them to hear. When he doesn't get the answer he wants, he keeps pressing everyone in creation and will not stop until he gets the answer he wants.
I can handle a healthy "what the hell have I done with the last twenty years" mid-life crisis. Those are NORMAL. What I cannot handle is the constant demands on me to be a mommy and not a wife, the one who carries the emotional end of life for TWO people, and the individual who is blamed for insecurities.
So in a nutshell, that's what has happened since I last wrote...and I won't stop until the saga is finished. This blog is cathartic to me and if its the only to vent...I will do it this way.
Over and out.
No guarantees...and I'm okay with that. Life is much bigger than being afraid to step out and experience the absolute bleeding edge. I've lived too long being afraid of the "what if" and the "If/Then" speculative world.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Rest
So I'm sitting inside Togo's with a tummy full of a #30 with avocado. Rested and healing.
My other half is turning in the hard copy of my paperwork to the office come Monday morning. Sent the paperwork last night via fax and don't want the proverbial "we didn't get the fax" excuse. Instructions are to just give minimal info and when pressed explain he doesn't know since its between her and the Doc.
Burned, yes.
I think its a spiritual battle. The harder I've worked at my inside life the worse work got for me. Eh, whatever. Just means things got too close for comfort for some folks. I'm good with it. Not surprised at all just amazed at having a quiet, steadfast heart can really upset folks. Sad, really.
Over the last two months we've lost folks to death, moved, got new jobs, and watched people act in weird ways. Yup, stronger but exhausted...LOL.
Managed to read a great book by Donald Miller...Blue Like Jazz. Highly recommend it. Will really change how you think. That's all I'll say...just read it.
My other half is turning in the hard copy of my paperwork to the office come Monday morning. Sent the paperwork last night via fax and don't want the proverbial "we didn't get the fax" excuse. Instructions are to just give minimal info and when pressed explain he doesn't know since its between her and the Doc.
Burned, yes.
I think its a spiritual battle. The harder I've worked at my inside life the worse work got for me. Eh, whatever. Just means things got too close for comfort for some folks. I'm good with it. Not surprised at all just amazed at having a quiet, steadfast heart can really upset folks. Sad, really.
Over the last two months we've lost folks to death, moved, got new jobs, and watched people act in weird ways. Yup, stronger but exhausted...LOL.
Managed to read a great book by Donald Miller...Blue Like Jazz. Highly recommend it. Will really change how you think. That's all I'll say...just read it.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Done
Well, the ship sunk.
Chaotic workplace with control-freak micromanagers who put a hysterical, hyper, power hungry co-worker in charge who likes to flap her mouth. It was a doomed journey folks.
An office of nine and management has dwindled to four bodies and management. Mind you, this is during our peak season and should be running at optimum levels.
Not this year.
Seems the micromanaging is out of hand and folks are jumping ship faster than rats...yours truly included. In my tenure at said workplace, 5+ individuals have left since last January. Call it what you will but I believe it boils down to bad management and a knack for treating subordinates like preschoolers.
Got a promotion and a change of scenery for myself in the last month.
Decided that having micromanagers and hysterical power tripping supervisors is not my style. Took a few days off for stress and upon having a few key buttons pushed by the hysterical supervisor who needed a Doc note for the few days realized that having a bank of time put back for a rainy day has just now come in handy. I won't have to return to THAT ship. Glad I've got the time to use for just such an occasion!
I had two choices...the pharmacological route that wouldn't fully take effect for a solid week (pointless, since I leave around that time from the current place) or request of the Doc that I need the time off from the office bullying and workplace violence. He consented that option b was the best choice for me.
Came home and crashed for two solid hours of sleep. I am mentally spent from this. Still teary and all that but it will subside once my body rests and I regain some sense of security.
Dealt with this before in the workplace and it left me pretty burned and I wasn't about to tolerate it again so I nipped it in the bud. They got their doctors note, I got my "get-out-of-jail-free" card.
I'm hanging with my Gramm while Los Parentes are out for a bite. Decided for the 'ol mental pick-me-up and threw on my Dad's fleece and socks from Mom. Little bit of pampering via Mom & Dad never hurt this soul.
Have I mentioned I'm bitter and exhausted at this point? You've probably gathered that all on your own, eh?
However, the silver lining is that I start fresh soon. New workplace, new experiences. AND...design is part of this place. Already on a project as I type. That's always so good for me, the creativity and ability to stretch my wings.
So between some designing this weekend and a stretch of time to refocus I should be a very happy camper who can put all of this behind me.
To each of you reading this...thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me bitch, moan, and get this off my chest.
Chaotic workplace with control-freak micromanagers who put a hysterical, hyper, power hungry co-worker in charge who likes to flap her mouth. It was a doomed journey folks.
An office of nine and management has dwindled to four bodies and management. Mind you, this is during our peak season and should be running at optimum levels.
Not this year.
Seems the micromanaging is out of hand and folks are jumping ship faster than rats...yours truly included. In my tenure at said workplace, 5+ individuals have left since last January. Call it what you will but I believe it boils down to bad management and a knack for treating subordinates like preschoolers.
Got a promotion and a change of scenery for myself in the last month.
Decided that having micromanagers and hysterical power tripping supervisors is not my style. Took a few days off for stress and upon having a few key buttons pushed by the hysterical supervisor who needed a Doc note for the few days realized that having a bank of time put back for a rainy day has just now come in handy. I won't have to return to THAT ship. Glad I've got the time to use for just such an occasion!
I had two choices...the pharmacological route that wouldn't fully take effect for a solid week (pointless, since I leave around that time from the current place) or request of the Doc that I need the time off from the office bullying and workplace violence. He consented that option b was the best choice for me.
Came home and crashed for two solid hours of sleep. I am mentally spent from this. Still teary and all that but it will subside once my body rests and I regain some sense of security.
Dealt with this before in the workplace and it left me pretty burned and I wasn't about to tolerate it again so I nipped it in the bud. They got their doctors note, I got my "get-out-of-jail-free" card.
I'm hanging with my Gramm while Los Parentes are out for a bite. Decided for the 'ol mental pick-me-up and threw on my Dad's fleece and socks from Mom. Little bit of pampering via Mom & Dad never hurt this soul.
Have I mentioned I'm bitter and exhausted at this point? You've probably gathered that all on your own, eh?
However, the silver lining is that I start fresh soon. New workplace, new experiences. AND...design is part of this place. Already on a project as I type. That's always so good for me, the creativity and ability to stretch my wings.
So between some designing this weekend and a stretch of time to refocus I should be a very happy camper who can put all of this behind me.
To each of you reading this...thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to me bitch, moan, and get this off my chest.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Licking Boots I Will Not
So, the licking of boots is in full swing in my office. We have a regime change and the amount of boot-licking is impressive.
No can do.
Man, that's akin to walking across broken glass and completely against my nature. This regime is all about boot-licking. Oi vey...am I in trouble here.
Bob Baer set a fine example of not licking boots back in "See No Evil" and he's to be admired. I think its called not settling for mediocrity. I see nothing wrong with sitting down for a hard day's work and going home knowing that one gave it all they had in them. What I do have issues with is licking boots to make sure one is firmly entrenched in the status quo. I liked Baer's take no prisoners attitude and refusal to settle for less than his best. Maybe that's why I like his style and his writings.
Me, in my little civil service world, is embarking on new ventures and trying to move up the ladder the honest way. Pure hard work with tons of elbow grease. I learned that skill in college and refused to play the political game. Kissing ass is not my style...nor will it ever be my style.
So, I venture away from the familiar and embark upon the unknown. I like the unknown to be honest. It's a breath of fresh air for me and gives me a chance to sharpen my talents. This is a chance to swan dive into the game of life.
Yes, I sit frustrated at the fact others with less talent are getting jobs that I'm qualified for more so that they yet I'm not the one who will be happy with settling for what they salivate and grovel. I think long term and not short term as far as a career. It's worth the marathon.
At least that's what I keep telling myself.
That and copious amounts of grape koolaid.
No can do.
Man, that's akin to walking across broken glass and completely against my nature. This regime is all about boot-licking. Oi vey...am I in trouble here.
Bob Baer set a fine example of not licking boots back in "See No Evil" and he's to be admired. I think its called not settling for mediocrity. I see nothing wrong with sitting down for a hard day's work and going home knowing that one gave it all they had in them. What I do have issues with is licking boots to make sure one is firmly entrenched in the status quo. I liked Baer's take no prisoners attitude and refusal to settle for less than his best. Maybe that's why I like his style and his writings.
Me, in my little civil service world, is embarking on new ventures and trying to move up the ladder the honest way. Pure hard work with tons of elbow grease. I learned that skill in college and refused to play the political game. Kissing ass is not my style...nor will it ever be my style.
So, I venture away from the familiar and embark upon the unknown. I like the unknown to be honest. It's a breath of fresh air for me and gives me a chance to sharpen my talents. This is a chance to swan dive into the game of life.
Yes, I sit frustrated at the fact others with less talent are getting jobs that I'm qualified for more so that they yet I'm not the one who will be happy with settling for what they salivate and grovel. I think long term and not short term as far as a career. It's worth the marathon.
At least that's what I keep telling myself.
That and copious amounts of grape koolaid.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Simplify
Yes, we are simplifying Christmas this year. No over the top stuff for us. Caught a challenge yesterday to simplify and remember why we have Christmas. So I've decorated on a simple level and implemented our decorations into the house on a basic level. Basic meaning if you don't look hard, you won't notice them. My nativity went center stage on the mantel. Perhaps it will stay as my reminder to why I exist and serve a higher calling.
I'm pretty low key to begin with and this decorating confirms it.
We'll do a tree...a live one outside in the back. It's hypocritical to save trees and cut one down during the holidays. If folks want to see our Christmas tree...it's out back all decorated up nice.
Lights AND ornaments, too.
I want away from the Mass Commercialism of the holidays so I can return to the simple reason of why this holiday exists...Christ.
I'm not saying I'll rail anyone who celebrates with a credit card or start preaching on corners. Those who know me realize that's not me. I'm more about the "ya, its a pretty cool gig and you can join me if you want. If not, cool." I'm good with pretty much anybody.
That is all.
I'm pretty low key to begin with and this decorating confirms it.
We'll do a tree...a live one outside in the back. It's hypocritical to save trees and cut one down during the holidays. If folks want to see our Christmas tree...it's out back all decorated up nice.
Lights AND ornaments, too.
I want away from the Mass Commercialism of the holidays so I can return to the simple reason of why this holiday exists...Christ.
I'm not saying I'll rail anyone who celebrates with a credit card or start preaching on corners. Those who know me realize that's not me. I'm more about the "ya, its a pretty cool gig and you can join me if you want. If not, cool." I'm good with pretty much anybody.
That is all.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Holy Schmoly, I'm Alive
Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still exist.
Work is challenging and I'm being stretched to my limits faith wise in people. Be open but that's cost me since the individual I'm open with is critical and meanspirited.
Explain to me how to be open and NOT vulnerable?!
I've decided to look to promote in the Capital and leave the situation since the critical individual will now be my boss since they've kissed enough ass to get there.
I'm done being open. I'm done being vulnerable. I'm done being sensitive.
Need to look out for my family and me. Co-workers be damned.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
You Don't Say?!
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 You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content. |
Discoveries
Sunday was the day freedom in a strange form for me...
I'm sitting at a women's dinner enjoying the meal with my female relatives and friends when my older sister blurts out some news.
"A wrestling dad passed away this week and his name was *****. Died from cancer in his back or something else related to his back."
I stopped cold and looked at her. Asked her when he graduated high school, blahblahblah.
"19**."
Holy crap. I went to the prom with this guy my senior year.
"Now back up and tell me everything."
She tells me he's been doing this-and-that, two kids, one wrestles, etc.
See the backstory to this is that on my prom night was the turning point for me in my battle of weight. Things got out of hand and he touched me inappropriately. From that point on, I've fought my weight and have hid behind it since.
I was, and still am, built pretty damn good. Great proportions, tall...name it.
With one caveat...
...being thin made me UBER vulnerable to men.
(No this blog isn't about to turn into male bashing...outta luck, folks)
Even through turn of events in the last three years its still in the back of my mind that if I'm thin and desirable I will be violated. It's been 22 flipping years. You'd think I could work through this.
Perhaps...just, perhaps.
I've told two people this until just now. My husband and my folks.
Now you know my deepest secret that began my fight against my weight. Somewhere, somehow this death is unlocking a door to healing. I feel it in my bones.
It's a freeing, bizarre, event for me. Well, most of life for me is bizarre so maybe its the only way for me. LOL. Those who know me will agree with that last statement.
Dreamt deeply about being at the morgue and watching them prepare the body. Even down to the details, odd but details, of him being embalmed and having his brains sucked out through a hose. The body was laid out in a blue suit (maybe because he was a cop) and was buried (feel free to laugh at this) in a coffin shaped like a wooden gun.
(So I dream in detail...sue me.)
The weirdest part of this is that I feel as if a tie to my past is severed....forever. Like vamos...no mas. Over. Done. Fini.
Yeah, of course it's severed.
He's dead.
But memories live on and healing, blahblahblah psycho babble - innerchild, yaddayaddayadda. Kinda sucks running around with baggage, yanno? Coming to terms with such a painful event sucks and so does hitting it head on like a hurricane.
I burned the pictures.
Dress was disappeared at my request when I revealed this to my parents.
and...
now this.
Talk about closure.
I'm sitting at a women's dinner enjoying the meal with my female relatives and friends when my older sister blurts out some news.
"A wrestling dad passed away this week and his name was *****. Died from cancer in his back or something else related to his back."
I stopped cold and looked at her. Asked her when he graduated high school, blahblahblah.
"19**."
Holy crap. I went to the prom with this guy my senior year.
"Now back up and tell me everything."
She tells me he's been doing this-and-that, two kids, one wrestles, etc.
See the backstory to this is that on my prom night was the turning point for me in my battle of weight. Things got out of hand and he touched me inappropriately. From that point on, I've fought my weight and have hid behind it since.
I was, and still am, built pretty damn good. Great proportions, tall...name it.
With one caveat...
...being thin made me UBER vulnerable to men.
(No this blog isn't about to turn into male bashing...outta luck, folks)
Even through turn of events in the last three years its still in the back of my mind that if I'm thin and desirable I will be violated. It's been 22 flipping years. You'd think I could work through this.
Perhaps...just, perhaps.
I've told two people this until just now. My husband and my folks.
Now you know my deepest secret that began my fight against my weight. Somewhere, somehow this death is unlocking a door to healing. I feel it in my bones.
It's a freeing, bizarre, event for me. Well, most of life for me is bizarre so maybe its the only way for me. LOL. Those who know me will agree with that last statement.
Dreamt deeply about being at the morgue and watching them prepare the body. Even down to the details, odd but details, of him being embalmed and having his brains sucked out through a hose. The body was laid out in a blue suit (maybe because he was a cop) and was buried (feel free to laugh at this) in a coffin shaped like a wooden gun.
(So I dream in detail...sue me.)
The weirdest part of this is that I feel as if a tie to my past is severed....forever. Like vamos...no mas. Over. Done. Fini.
Yeah, of course it's severed.
He's dead.
But memories live on and healing, blahblahblah psycho babble - innerchild, yaddayaddayadda. Kinda sucks running around with baggage, yanno? Coming to terms with such a painful event sucks and so does hitting it head on like a hurricane.
I burned the pictures.
Dress was disappeared at my request when I revealed this to my parents.
and...
now this.
Talk about closure.
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